Silence can be more than Golden

I had a wonderful thing happen to me this morning.  I was talking with a friend, laying bare the inner workings of my heart.  I was asking hard questions; expressing doubt and my inability to understand.  She listend intently and offered a few comments, but other than that - she didn't really say much.  I dont' know that I was expecting answers. 

We sat next to each other...just sat there.  After several minutes, I turned to her - she just smiled.  I thought of Job.  Now, i'm not saying that my situation is anything like what Job went through.  What drew my thoughts to him was this: Job 2:11-13

"When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words."

There are a few times when I confide in friends, looking for words of wisdom or comfort.  But the majority of the time, just having someone take a few moments of their time to sit with me, to just listen with empathy, kindness and without judgement.  If truth be told, I don't really care what is said to me in a time of brokenness; just knowing that someone is there is worth more than gold.

It's a Survivor thing...

So...I have a wonderful friend who is a breast cancer survivor.  Each time I talk with her, I am encouraged, empowered and inspired.  She has survived unspeakable hardships, been tossed in the firey furnace - only to walk out with a smile, and a heart that is so strong.

I'm pretty sure that we have all 'survived' many things.  The business lunch we're dreading, the presentation we're scared of, the medical results, the surgery, the loss of a loved one...  Each time we take the next step toward tomorrow, regardless of how painful or unstable it may be, we become a survivor. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tore my ACL and will need reconstructive knee surgery in June.  Certainly not life threatening, but I will be unable to many things that are now a part of my daily routine, at least for a while. 

I think, though, the most difficult thing for me to deal with was how the surgery will effect my job I love.  I'll be able to continue to teach, but from a chair.  And I won't be able to actually "do" TaeKwonDo for 4-6 months.  That sounds like an incredibly long time.  I'm planning to test in a couple of weeks for 2nd degree, Level 2 - but I won't be able to test again until December. 

There are so many emotions attached to this surgery.  On the one hand, I'm excited at the possibility of moving with less pain and my knee being stronger.  On the other hand, I'm scared; scared of the pain, the post surgery therapy, scared of not being able to do my job effectively. 

I took a 4-mile bike ride this morning; a painfree ride.  During those 4 miles, I thought of my survivor friend...and her strength.  I realized...I have the blood of a survivor coursing through my veins.  Each trial is another chance to inspire and be inspired, to encourage and be encouraged, to trust and be trusted. 

I am a SURVIVOR.

The Clay

The Clay by Ron DiCianni

This is my most favorite work of art in the world.  One day I hope to own a copy.  It never fails that everytime I see this painting, I am reminded that God is continuously working on me.  There seem to me so many 'rough edges' in my life, and sometimes it feels like it is all just hopeless.  But then I see this picture and hope and faith are restored. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering in the desert alone, then I remember that sand can be used to smooth rough edges.  Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the rapid undercurrent of a river, then I remember that swiftly moving water can be used to smooth rough edges.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a driving rain, then I remember that rain can be used to wash away dirt and make things clean.  Sometimes I feel like I'm walking through a fire and the heat is more than I can bear, then I remember that it is through fire that things are made pure.

All of the things we go through, both good AND bad, easy AND difficult help shape us.  God uses it all for HIS glory, not ours.  A lot of the time, I don't like this because I want a little of the glory for me - "Look what I've done" or "I've been through so much, and look at me now."  My stark reality: it's not about me...it's about Him, it's about showing what He's done in and through me. 

These mindsets in me are the 'rough edges' that He lovingly but strongly chisels away.  He uses the lonely desert, the water's current, the driving rain and the unbearable fire to create, mold, refine and shape me into a vessel of honor to do His will.  I learned long ago that the best kind of pot to shine a light through isn't one of beauty and perfection, but one that is cracked.  It's through those cracks that enough light is given us to take one step at a time. 

"Yet, O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Isaiah 64:8

Two Gold Bars

In early September of 2008, I restarted a journey; a path that I'd left 10 years prior.  Two and a half years ago, I was a white belt in TaeKwonDo. 


Testing as a white belt.  I'm on the far right.

My journey continued from White Belt to Yellow, then Green, Green Sr., Blue, Blue Sr., Brown, Brown Sr., Red, Red Sr., and finally in April of 2010 - I tested for my Black Belt.

 

 

 

 

I have recently hit another TaeKwonDo milestone.  I have earned my 2nd Degree Black Belt. 

 This was a day that I'd only dreamed of.  Just about everyone that I've asked about what their goal is for training in TaeKwonDo, their answers are all time same: "I want to get my black belt."  But of all those who "want" to earn their black belt, few actually accomplish it, and the numbers who continue their artistic journey are even fewer.  With each level of rank, and each bar that is added to a belt; it's a huge statement of committment, courage, and perseverance. 

It's not always easy; it can be stressful, painful, and tearful.  But we do what we love, and love what we do.  We are Martial Artists.  I am a Martial Artist.  I am a Black Belt with Two Gold Bars!

A Test of Celebration

In our style of martial arts, we train for a cycle of 2 months and at the end of that cycle we hold our rank testing.  It is a chance to show off what we have learned and the progress we've made.  But more importantly - it is truly a celebration of the martial spirit and our art: our beautiful and powerful art.

Today was a celebration indeed!  I watched with awe and inspiration over 40 of my students 'celebrate' their progress with such honor, perseverance, community and strength.  They cheered for each other, and supported each other.  Forms were performed with grace and focus, sparring done with precision and courage, techniques delivered with accuracy, and board were broken without failure. 

These students always amaze and inspire me.  I am grateful for their abilities, their perseverance, and their dedication.  Each time I watch them, I am encouraged.  I'm so glad that they allow me the honor of celebrating with them. 

I'll be missing you...

"...In all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through..."

One of the hardest things to do (epecially for me) is making friends.  I didn't really have many friends when I was younger - but that was forceful choice.  I kept everyone at arms lengths for a variety of reasons.  However, during college - that's when I started to really make friends...  Some were those who were only for a season, and some were for a specific reason.  A few will be my friends for a lifetime.  ALL of them taught me lessons that I will carry with me wherever I go.

I met some in the School of Music at FSU.  I met some in the dorm I lived in.  I met some in the campus minstry I was involved in.  I met a few in a couple of the churches I attended and met many in TaeKwonDo.  I've mentored some, been counseled by some, been kissed by a few, hugged by a bunch, trusted by some and confided in some.  I believe; however, that at one point or another that I have been loved by all in some form or fashion.

One drawback to all these friends: they are not nearby.  Either they moved away, or stayed when I moved.  4 months ago, I moved to a new and unfamiliar city where I aquainted with only one person.  I moved to a place in my life where there is a need to make new friends, but the ability to do so has proven difficult.  Learning to trust new hearts wasn't a lesson that I wanted undergo again in my lifetime.  It is so scary for me.  I've learned that with trust come a great chance for being hurt, but without it - it lessens the chance to love and be loved. 

I have found that even the smallest things create in me such a longing for the touch of a friend, and I begin to miss them so much.  The sights and sounds of Starbucks (perhaps that's really why i find myself there so often), a beautiful sunset, the smell of burning leaves, the touch of a cool breeze...the knowledge of their sadness.  Or perhaps nothing at all - just a stroll down memory lane.

So, my friends - with all my heart, I miss you.

Courtney the Emotional

Throughout history, people would have adjectives suffixed to the end of their names.  For example, Peter the Great was a czar of Russia, Edmund the Just was a king of England.  These adjectives were used to describe the person.  I'm not all together sure how these suffixes came about, but I'm sure that some were self-given. So...

Hello Reader - my name is Courtney the Emotional.  This isn't new, I'm just stating the extremely obvious.  I was just reading the last few blog entries of a great friend of mine.  And in the middle of the coffee place, tears poured down my cheeks. 

If you were to ask anyone close to me, the word "emotional" would probably be in the top 3 words they would use to describe me.  It is my personal #1 choice.  I feel things deeply.  This quality creates both positive and negative effects. It is the basis for anger, apathy, distance, sadness, sensativity, empathy, love and compassion. 

It fuels my actions and reactions.  I cry over most things: children playing at the park, a homeless man on the corner, the commercial where the father and son are eating an oreo over webchat, abandoned worship of Jesus, the tears of my friends, some music and most chic-flick movies.  And the list could go on and on. 

Sometimes - I cry for no reason at all.  I could be riding in the car, looking out the window and small tears trickle down my face.  It's not something I will to happen, it just does.  Trying to stop it makes it worse, but if I don't - I am faced with questioning glances from those around, silently wondering what's wrong.  But there is no answer to give. 

When I hurt, I withdraw.  When others hurt, I want to draw in.  When my heart is broken, I am silent.  When the heart of a friend breaks, I long for them to share with me.  

Some think I'm weak, others think I'm strong.  Some think I'm afraid, others think I'm courageous.  Some don't know really what to do with me, others know exactly what to say or do.  Regardless of what is said or thought about me - You'll never get less than the genuine me - and I am EMOTIONAL.