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Everytime I sit to write, I try to think of an overall message of encouragement for my potential reader.  Today...I don't feel much like an encourager.  Today...I feel empty, weary and brokenhearted. 

I learned this morning that a very dear friend of mine lost her sister.  In true "Courtney" fashion, I grabbed my overnight bag, and headed (with due haste) in her direction.  I was determined to keep my word that should she ever need me, I would be very willing to drive whatever distance necessary to be with her, by her side. 

What I was not counting on: Tradition.  No details, but out of love and respect for tradition, I exited the interstate, only to enter it seconds later...heading home. 

In all my life...I can't remember a time when a friend was hurting and heart broken, that I turned the other way.  Every mile that separated me from my friend, my heart ached a little more, tears pouring down my face. 

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To my Dear Friend:
I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling at this moment.  I am so sorry for your loss, and that this experience came so young.  With all my heart I love you, and am sending warm thoughts your way.  Should you need me, I will come.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

I hate mirrors.  They unforgivingly tell the truth, or do they?  When we look into a mirror - we must do so with our eyes.  I know, it's a "DUH!" statement - but those eyes are connected to our brains.  So, I think we see not only what is 'actually' there but what our brain says is there. 

I have pre-conceived notions and thoughts about myself dating back to my childhood.  Most are insecurities formed over time that I have allowed to run rampant in my mind - which, I've noticed has jaded my view of...me. 

I don't like to look at myself in the mirror out of fear of what I might see, but even in fear - I cannot help myself but to atleast steal a glance as I pass by one. 

This morning was an ordinary morning.  I got dressed, packed up my computer, stuck my phone and a $5 bill in my pocket - and headed back to brush my teeth before leaving.  Brush in hand, toothpaste squeezed - sideways glance in the mirror stolen...I did a double take.  Why?!  Because I noticed something...my eyes and my brain were seeing the same thing.  My straight-from-the-dryer jeans were baggy, and my once semi-tight shirt was just kinda "hangin there."  WHAT?!?

I have not arrived at my desired health destination - but I'm driving slowly and with purpose.  My goal now is when I pass by a mirror and steal a glance...to find 1-3 positive things that I see.  I don't think it's conceit or arrogant to want to see the positive in one's self; in fact, I think it's healthy.  Too many times do we quickly state what is lacking or negative in us, and never taking in the good.  It's not about vanity, it's about well-being. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...I don't care if I'm the fairest of all!!!

Butterflies on the Beach

I'm sure that most people, who have ever ventured to the beach, have noticed many shells along the shore.  I've never been one to 'collect' sea shells - at least not until yesterday.  I took the daughter of a friend of mine to the beach.  As we walked along the shore, waves chasing us up and down the coast, she began to notice a variety of intesting shells, full of character; full of stories yet to be told.  She began to show me with a smile, one after another.  Every so often, she would place one delicately in my hand and say, "Here, Ms. H - you can have this one." 

After a few moments, I found myself searching for interesting shells; sand-filled treasures, and came across a set of shells like the one pictured below.  I said to my young explorer, "Look, a butterfly."  She peered into

my hand, eyes smiling.  "Here, Maria, this one is for you." She turned it over and over in her hand.  She glanced at me, and I knew our mission was set: a search for "butterflies."  It took us a few minutes, but we found another, and another, and another. 

During our search, I learned a very valuable lesson.  My criteria for looking for butterflies were the lack of flaws; practically perfect in every way and brilliant in color.  Maria's criteria was much different.  In fact, I don't think she had any.  She was just so excited to find them, to discover each treasure.  One in particular she handed to me was a beautiful shade of lavendar on the top side, and a deep, royal purple on the underside.  However, the lower, right-hand portion of the "wing" was broken.  I contemplated tossing it aside, but she saw such beauty...so, I held it. 

She didn't see imperfection, she only saw the beauty.  Oh, that I could hold fast to that lesson - one learned from a 10 year old little girl and butterflies on the beach.

Psalm 19

I'm pretty sure that there isn't a moment that goes by when I don't do something that dishonors God, even when I fail to realize it.  So I often times say a blanket "Please forgive me" wondering if that really cuts it.  Well, guess what?!? I think it does!  David did it too! "How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?Cleanse me from these hidden faults."  I don't feel so bad now.  :)

The last 2 verses are the cry of my heart.  "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Oh Lord, My Rock and my Redeemer."  I want the people in my sphere of influence to know that I care; that my words are genuine and are filled with grace.  Even when they come with correction, I pray they are never abusive, but always encouraging. 

I had about a 30 minute skype call with my young, "Psalmphonic" friend last night.  Her heart was so heavy and trouble by many things.  I found myself struggling to find words of encouragement and comfort.  So instead, there was a moment of silence.  She didn't say anything, and I let go of the need to speak - it was just 2 friends, in the same room, sharing emotions.  It...was...profound.  Many times, people are afraid of the silent moments because they feel akward.  Sometimes, though, silence is all that is needed. 
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My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like You!  All of my days, I want to praise the wonders of your mighty love.  My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength.  Let every breath, all that I am  - never cease to worship you...

Thank you for an amazing day.  Thank you that my body is on the mend.  Please continue to set things right.  Lord, thank you so much for my friend.  She is so special to me.  Her heart is so troubled right now - please bring her comfort, and understanding.  She is doing her best to seek you in your word - please meet her where she is.  Give her guidance and assurance that you're with her. 

I love you, Lord.  May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my Rock and my Redeemer.  AMEN

Days 16-17

Last night I felt a little like death warmed over.  This cold has zapped me of almost all my energy.  So I came home last night from teaching, barely ate, and went to bed.  As I was laying there under layers of clothes and blankets - I remembered that I still needed to read my psalm.  So I asked my brother to bring me my iPod, and I got to use my newly downloaded NLT version of the bible.  Psalm 16 was awesome; my favorite verse was 1: "Keep me safe, Oh God, for I have come to you for refuge..."  Even in my sickess - I could feel God wrap his arms around me.

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Over the last couple of days, I have felt attacked.  People are generally resistant to change, but adapt after a short time.  However, there are some who are dead set against trying anything new, or even giving a fair chance to the new kid on the block (that would be me).  To be judged on things that I have little control over, without even trying to learn about me, or God forbid, try to help me - breaks my heart.  However, I am very thankful that this category of people are small...very small.  I am so grateful for those who are not judgmental; who have welcomed me with an open mind and an open heart - and for some, even open arms.

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Keep me safe, Oh God, for I have come to you for refuge...Lord, Please heal my body, take away the pain, put things back the way they should be.  Teach me how to keep things working properly.  Lord, thank you for those who support me.  I love you! AMEN

Day 14

I just finished reading my 14th Psalm in a row.  Tonight, it felt a little like I was 'just going through the motions',  because nothing really 'spoke' to me tonight.  I'm sincerely hoping that it's just the sickness talking.  On the other hand, I think there will be times when nothing is spoken directly to my heart, and while I hope one day that might change - i think for right now...that's ok.  For me, at this stage - it's just important that I keep reading and work hard on not getting behind.  I know myself, if I let one day go by...then another will go - the next thing I know...it's been a week since I've read.  Then I feel so guilty for not ready, that I can't bring myself to open up the bible and pick up where I left off.  2 and a half years later...  well, lets just say that my young, Psalmphonic Journey friend has helped me get back into the word, and onto the right path. 

I think with each passing day, the flashlight I started with gets more powerful, and the area of light it casts gets bigger and bigger.  I will continue to sojourn onward...taking small strides in my walk of faith. 

~To my young friend - I love you.  Thank you for nudging me forward, and allowing me to be apart of your life.  It is truly a great joy that I take.
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Lord,
"You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, you are my Father in Heaven."  I am finding that You are filling my thoughts more and more.  It's been a long while since that's happened.  It made me smile when I was with a group of new friends today, and a worship song game on, and they all started singing!  How wonderful it was to be in the company of family. 

Please continue to take over my heart.  Less of me; more of you!  "All of you, is more than enough for all of me, for everything thirst and every need.  You satisfy me with your love..."  Thank you for this day; for each blessing and each challege.  I love you! AMEN

Psalm 13

I almost forgot to read tonight.  I was getting ready to curl up under 3 blankets with an over stuffed teddy bear, trying desparately to break a fever, when I re-read a card I received in the mail today from a wonderful, young friend.  She and I are reading through the book of Psalm - one each day.  The line in her card said this "Psalms is going to be auhmazing." 

Psalms has been amazing.  for 13 consecutive days, I've been in the word of God.  Tonight's Psalm is one of my favorites for 2 reasons.  First - David's raw emotion and heartfelt cry to God is beautiful.  Sometimes I feel like this - like God is so far away, or that God has just left me to fend for myself. 

The 2nd reason is the last 2 verses, and all because of the first word..."but"...  Basically David is saying, "even though You feel distant, Lord.  Even though it seems like You've forgotten me. Regardless of my feelings...I trust, I will rejoice, I will sing..."  HOW AMAZING!!!!
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Thank you for today, even though I'm sick.  Thank you for the awesome lunch I had with a new and wonderful friend!!!  Thank you for the card I got in the mail today.  Please, Lord, heal my bod tonight, so i can teach tomorrow morning.  Keep all my students safe and healthy.  I love you!  I TRUST, I WILL REJOICE, I WILL SING!!!! Amen