I Got You Covered

Prayer is a powerful thing.  It is one of many ways that, as a Believer in Christ, I worship and build my relationship with Him.  Some of my prayers are whispers, some are screams.  Some are said with a smile, some are broken with tears.  Sometimes I have no words to offer, so I sit at my piano and just…play. 

I love to keep prayer journals.  Most are for my eyes and heart only, but a few are different.  There are times when I keep a journal of prayers for someone else.  Nothing fancy, just a simple chronicling of my conversations to my God which are specific to a person. 

One thing that I’m not very good at, but am working on, is actually asking for prayer.  Even though I believe that prayer is powerful, and can change circumstances and lives – I have a hard time letting down my guard enough to share my own struggles.   But that is changing.

God has recently opened the door for me to reconnect with an old friend.  We hadn’t really seen each other in 10 years, until the beginning of August.  Since then, it is almost as if we’d never stopped being friends. 

Several weeks ago, during one late night conversation, she asked me if there was anything I needed.  Without much hesitation I said, “I could really use prayer.”  And I proceeded to pour out my heart.  She listened, and didn’t say much. 

Last weekend, she told me that she was sending a package to me.  Seeing as I had just had a birthday, I didn’t really think much of it, and the only thing she said was, “It was something you asked for.”  For the next several days I wracked my brain; thinking back over past conversations trying to figured out what ‘thing’ I had asked for.  My efforts were fruitless, so I waited.

Yesterday, I received that package.  I carefully opened it, and inside, neatly folded, was a hand-crocheted work of art.  The card which was attached explained to me that it was a “Prayer Shawl.”  My dear friend had asked a ministry in her church to lift my name up before the Father.  The wonderful woman, who made it, did so with prayer upon her lips on my behalf.  With each stich she prayed for me – a complete stranger.  She prayed comfort and healing, strength for the journey, patience with the process, for peace and understanding, and hope for tomorrow; all of the things I feel like I’m seriously lacking.

When I was finally able to talk to my friend about the gift, she simple said this, “You asked for prayer a while back for friends, job and your knee.  Thought I’d get you covered…literally.”

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As I ran my fingers across the stiches, I thought of my great-grandmother, Sarah (aka “Nan”), who first taught me how to crochet.  Her arthritic, gnarled fingers were surprisingly nimble as she worked the needle and yarn.  I would sit at her feet, leaned against the front of her chair clumsily fumbling with making a simple chain, while she would sit for hours on end, gracefully making something for someone: potholders, dishcloths, doylies, socks, and afghans.  In honor of my Prayer Shawl creator, and in loving memory of “Nan” – I think I’ll make a shawl or blanket of my own to give away. 

Don’t worry…I got you covered!

A Biking Accident and God

A couple days ago, I had an embarrassing moment: I fell off my bike.  Well, it was more than a ‘fall’ – it was more like a ‘crash, tumble, flip and skid’ off my bike.  No serious injuries; however, I did get a couple of pretty gross cuts and bruises – which in a week or so will make for some pretty “badass” scars (according to one of the amazing  bikers who stopped to help me.)

Once I got my wits about me, I had about a mile ride back to my car.  During that mile ride, I had a God-moment.  As I passed other trail blazers, I smiled and nodded, and even beamed a cheerful ‘Good morning!’ But the truth; the reality: I was hurting and close to tears; wounds exposed, tender, and burning.

Here is the God-moment.  As I was riding, I wondered how many time I pass people who, on the outside, look like everything is fine, like everything is perfect.  But on the inside, they are hurting and close to tears; their heartaches and wounds tender and exposed.  

The two anonymous ‘Angelic Bikers’ could have just kept going.  They were already 200+ feet ahead of me when they heard me crash, tumble, flip and skid.  But they didn’t.  They saw someone in need and turned around to help.  The gentlemen pickup my bike and check for damage.  The woman gently reached her hand down to me and helped me up.  She wasn’t concerned about inconvenience or communicable diseases.  She was concerned about me. 

How many times have we comforted by the simple smile or touch of kind stranger, the embrace of a child, or an encouraging, heartfelt conversation of a long-distance friend?   How many times have I comforted someone I didn’t know with a simple smile or touch?  How many times have I reached down and hugged a crying child?  How many times have I offered a heartfelt, encouraging conversation to a long-distance friend?

I’m convinced that simple acts of kindness do not go unnoticed, and are appreciated.  We may not see the gratefulness right away.  We may never be thanked.  Over time, we may not even remember who it was that we helped.  But every time I glance down at my soon-to-be scars from my bike crash-tumble-flip-skid, I remember my Good Samaritans, and smile. 

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Lord, help me to not be afraid of stepping out and comforting someone who needs it.  Help to not be afraid of asking for help when I truly need it.  Thank you for keeping me safe and that the injuries were not worse.  And thank you to those two bikers who came to my aid.  I may never know their names, but bless them.  AMEN

These Pebbles in My Hand

These Pebbles in My hand, you see

Were given by a child

Who, while never having met me

Loved me all the while.

With a twinkle in his eyes

And a smile on his face

Asked with all sincerity

Which Pebble I liked Best

My answer was simple, direct and kind

It was honest, sure and true

"The beautiful one that I love best

Is the one chosen by you."

He glanced at his mother

With a question in his eyes

She smiled and nodded

He began searching for the prize

With a gentle grace he sifted

Some large, some small, some simple, some grand

But only twelve of thousands

made it into his tiny hand

Carefully and lovingly

For me, he chose each one

Nothing expected in return

It was a simple act of Love.

My eyes flooded with tears

And my heart warmly smiled

These Pebbles in my hand, you see

were given by a child.

Silence can be more than Golden

I had a wonderful thing happen to me this morning.  I was talking with a friend, laying bare the inner workings of my heart.  I was asking hard questions; expressing doubt and my inability to understand.  She listend intently and offered a few comments, but other than that - she didn't really say much.  I dont' know that I was expecting answers. 

We sat next to each other...just sat there.  After several minutes, I turned to her - she just smiled.  I thought of Job.  Now, i'm not saying that my situation is anything like what Job went through.  What drew my thoughts to him was this: Job 2:11-13

"When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words."

There are a few times when I confide in friends, looking for words of wisdom or comfort.  But the majority of the time, just having someone take a few moments of their time to sit with me, to just listen with empathy, kindness and without judgement.  If truth be told, I don't really care what is said to me in a time of brokenness; just knowing that someone is there is worth more than gold.

It's a Survivor thing...

So...I have a wonderful friend who is a breast cancer survivor.  Each time I talk with her, I am encouraged, empowered and inspired.  She has survived unspeakable hardships, been tossed in the firey furnace - only to walk out with a smile, and a heart that is so strong.

I'm pretty sure that we have all 'survived' many things.  The business lunch we're dreading, the presentation we're scared of, the medical results, the surgery, the loss of a loved one...  Each time we take the next step toward tomorrow, regardless of how painful or unstable it may be, we become a survivor. 

I found out a few weeks ago that I tore my ACL and will need reconstructive knee surgery in June.  Certainly not life threatening, but I will be unable to many things that are now a part of my daily routine, at least for a while. 

I think, though, the most difficult thing for me to deal with was how the surgery will effect my job I love.  I'll be able to continue to teach, but from a chair.  And I won't be able to actually "do" TaeKwonDo for 4-6 months.  That sounds like an incredibly long time.  I'm planning to test in a couple of weeks for 2nd degree, Level 2 - but I won't be able to test again until December. 

There are so many emotions attached to this surgery.  On the one hand, I'm excited at the possibility of moving with less pain and my knee being stronger.  On the other hand, I'm scared; scared of the pain, the post surgery therapy, scared of not being able to do my job effectively. 

I took a 4-mile bike ride this morning; a painfree ride.  During those 4 miles, I thought of my survivor friend...and her strength.  I realized...I have the blood of a survivor coursing through my veins.  Each trial is another chance to inspire and be inspired, to encourage and be encouraged, to trust and be trusted. 

I am a SURVIVOR.

The Clay

The Clay by Ron DiCianni

This is my most favorite work of art in the world.  One day I hope to own a copy.  It never fails that everytime I see this painting, I am reminded that God is continuously working on me.  There seem to me so many 'rough edges' in my life, and sometimes it feels like it is all just hopeless.  But then I see this picture and hope and faith are restored. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering in the desert alone, then I remember that sand can be used to smooth rough edges.  Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the rapid undercurrent of a river, then I remember that swiftly moving water can be used to smooth rough edges.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a driving rain, then I remember that rain can be used to wash away dirt and make things clean.  Sometimes I feel like I'm walking through a fire and the heat is more than I can bear, then I remember that it is through fire that things are made pure.

All of the things we go through, both good AND bad, easy AND difficult help shape us.  God uses it all for HIS glory, not ours.  A lot of the time, I don't like this because I want a little of the glory for me - "Look what I've done" or "I've been through so much, and look at me now."  My stark reality: it's not about me...it's about Him, it's about showing what He's done in and through me. 

These mindsets in me are the 'rough edges' that He lovingly but strongly chisels away.  He uses the lonely desert, the water's current, the driving rain and the unbearable fire to create, mold, refine and shape me into a vessel of honor to do His will.  I learned long ago that the best kind of pot to shine a light through isn't one of beauty and perfection, but one that is cracked.  It's through those cracks that enough light is given us to take one step at a time. 

"Yet, O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Isaiah 64:8

Two Gold Bars

In early September of 2008, I restarted a journey; a path that I'd left 10 years prior.  Two and a half years ago, I was a white belt in TaeKwonDo. 


Testing as a white belt.  I'm on the far right.

My journey continued from White Belt to Yellow, then Green, Green Sr., Blue, Blue Sr., Brown, Brown Sr., Red, Red Sr., and finally in April of 2010 - I tested for my Black Belt.

 

 

 

 

I have recently hit another TaeKwonDo milestone.  I have earned my 2nd Degree Black Belt. 

 This was a day that I'd only dreamed of.  Just about everyone that I've asked about what their goal is for training in TaeKwonDo, their answers are all time same: "I want to get my black belt."  But of all those who "want" to earn their black belt, few actually accomplish it, and the numbers who continue their artistic journey are even fewer.  With each level of rank, and each bar that is added to a belt; it's a huge statement of committment, courage, and perseverance. 

It's not always easy; it can be stressful, painful, and tearful.  But we do what we love, and love what we do.  We are Martial Artists.  I am a Martial Artist.  I am a Black Belt with Two Gold Bars!

A Test of Celebration

In our style of martial arts, we train for a cycle of 2 months and at the end of that cycle we hold our rank testing.  It is a chance to show off what we have learned and the progress we've made.  But more importantly - it is truly a celebration of the martial spirit and our art: our beautiful and powerful art.

Today was a celebration indeed!  I watched with awe and inspiration over 40 of my students 'celebrate' their progress with such honor, perseverance, community and strength.  They cheered for each other, and supported each other.  Forms were performed with grace and focus, sparring done with precision and courage, techniques delivered with accuracy, and board were broken without failure. 

These students always amaze and inspire me.  I am grateful for their abilities, their perseverance, and their dedication.  Each time I watch them, I am encouraged.  I'm so glad that they allow me the honor of celebrating with them. 

I'll be missing you...

"...In all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces all day through..."

One of the hardest things to do (epecially for me) is making friends.  I didn't really have many friends when I was younger - but that was forceful choice.  I kept everyone at arms lengths for a variety of reasons.  However, during college - that's when I started to really make friends...  Some were those who were only for a season, and some were for a specific reason.  A few will be my friends for a lifetime.  ALL of them taught me lessons that I will carry with me wherever I go.

I met some in the School of Music at FSU.  I met some in the dorm I lived in.  I met some in the campus minstry I was involved in.  I met a few in a couple of the churches I attended and met many in TaeKwonDo.  I've mentored some, been counseled by some, been kissed by a few, hugged by a bunch, trusted by some and confided in some.  I believe; however, that at one point or another that I have been loved by all in some form or fashion.

One drawback to all these friends: they are not nearby.  Either they moved away, or stayed when I moved.  4 months ago, I moved to a new and unfamiliar city where I aquainted with only one person.  I moved to a place in my life where there is a need to make new friends, but the ability to do so has proven difficult.  Learning to trust new hearts wasn't a lesson that I wanted undergo again in my lifetime.  It is so scary for me.  I've learned that with trust come a great chance for being hurt, but without it - it lessens the chance to love and be loved. 

I have found that even the smallest things create in me such a longing for the touch of a friend, and I begin to miss them so much.  The sights and sounds of Starbucks (perhaps that's really why i find myself there so often), a beautiful sunset, the smell of burning leaves, the touch of a cool breeze...the knowledge of their sadness.  Or perhaps nothing at all - just a stroll down memory lane.

So, my friends - with all my heart, I miss you.

Courtney the Emotional

Throughout history, people would have adjectives suffixed to the end of their names.  For example, Peter the Great was a czar of Russia, Edmund the Just was a king of England.  These adjectives were used to describe the person.  I'm not all together sure how these suffixes came about, but I'm sure that some were self-given. So...

Hello Reader - my name is Courtney the Emotional.  This isn't new, I'm just stating the extremely obvious.  I was just reading the last few blog entries of a great friend of mine.  And in the middle of the coffee place, tears poured down my cheeks. 

If you were to ask anyone close to me, the word "emotional" would probably be in the top 3 words they would use to describe me.  It is my personal #1 choice.  I feel things deeply.  This quality creates both positive and negative effects. It is the basis for anger, apathy, distance, sadness, sensativity, empathy, love and compassion. 

It fuels my actions and reactions.  I cry over most things: children playing at the park, a homeless man on the corner, the commercial where the father and son are eating an oreo over webchat, abandoned worship of Jesus, the tears of my friends, some music and most chic-flick movies.  And the list could go on and on. 

Sometimes - I cry for no reason at all.  I could be riding in the car, looking out the window and small tears trickle down my face.  It's not something I will to happen, it just does.  Trying to stop it makes it worse, but if I don't - I am faced with questioning glances from those around, silently wondering what's wrong.  But there is no answer to give. 

When I hurt, I withdraw.  When others hurt, I want to draw in.  When my heart is broken, I am silent.  When the heart of a friend breaks, I long for them to share with me.  

Some think I'm weak, others think I'm strong.  Some think I'm afraid, others think I'm courageous.  Some don't know really what to do with me, others know exactly what to say or do.  Regardless of what is said or thought about me - You'll never get less than the genuine me - and I am EMOTIONAL.

4 months ago today

I'm learning that bike riding can provide an opportunity for deep thought and meditation.  This morning's ride was no exeption.  Once I find the rhythm in my legs, my mind can then wander.  Sometimes my wanderings can be dangerous, I know.  But today - I felt a sense of accomplishment, inspiration and gratitude.  Why?

It was 4 months ago today that I moved from Tallahassee, FL to Foley, AL to pursue a dream of becoming a TaeKwonDo school owner and instructor.  In these past 4 months, I've learn a lot about business - but more importantly I've learned a lot about myself.  There are things I've done well, and other things...not so much.  I've missed old friends.  Made new friends.  I miss my family, but have been grafted into another family. 

I have a wall in my office dedicated to lovingly made artwork from students. I look at those pictures every day and think to myself how amazing my job is.  

I can tell each day that I'm growing as a martial artist, a teacher and a person.  Sometimes it's painful, tearful, and stressful.  But sometimes it's full of wonder, inspiration and awe.  

4 months ago today - I made the riskiest, most amazing decision of my life.  I moved.

Untitled

Everytime I sit to write, I try to think of an overall message of encouragement for my potential reader.  Today...I don't feel much like an encourager.  Today...I feel empty, weary and brokenhearted. 

I learned this morning that a very dear friend of mine lost her sister.  In true "Courtney" fashion, I grabbed my overnight bag, and headed (with due haste) in her direction.  I was determined to keep my word that should she ever need me, I would be very willing to drive whatever distance necessary to be with her, by her side. 

What I was not counting on: Tradition.  No details, but out of love and respect for tradition, I exited the interstate, only to enter it seconds later...heading home. 

In all my life...I can't remember a time when a friend was hurting and heart broken, that I turned the other way.  Every mile that separated me from my friend, my heart ached a little more, tears pouring down my face. 

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To my Dear Friend:
I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling at this moment.  I am so sorry for your loss, and that this experience came so young.  With all my heart I love you, and am sending warm thoughts your way.  Should you need me, I will come.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

I hate mirrors.  They unforgivingly tell the truth, or do they?  When we look into a mirror - we must do so with our eyes.  I know, it's a "DUH!" statement - but those eyes are connected to our brains.  So, I think we see not only what is 'actually' there but what our brain says is there. 

I have pre-conceived notions and thoughts about myself dating back to my childhood.  Most are insecurities formed over time that I have allowed to run rampant in my mind - which, I've noticed has jaded my view of...me. 

I don't like to look at myself in the mirror out of fear of what I might see, but even in fear - I cannot help myself but to atleast steal a glance as I pass by one. 

This morning was an ordinary morning.  I got dressed, packed up my computer, stuck my phone and a $5 bill in my pocket - and headed back to brush my teeth before leaving.  Brush in hand, toothpaste squeezed - sideways glance in the mirror stolen...I did a double take.  Why?!  Because I noticed something...my eyes and my brain were seeing the same thing.  My straight-from-the-dryer jeans were baggy, and my once semi-tight shirt was just kinda "hangin there."  WHAT?!?

I have not arrived at my desired health destination - but I'm driving slowly and with purpose.  My goal now is when I pass by a mirror and steal a glance...to find 1-3 positive things that I see.  I don't think it's conceit or arrogant to want to see the positive in one's self; in fact, I think it's healthy.  Too many times do we quickly state what is lacking or negative in us, and never taking in the good.  It's not about vanity, it's about well-being. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...I don't care if I'm the fairest of all!!!

Butterflies on the Beach

I'm sure that most people, who have ever ventured to the beach, have noticed many shells along the shore.  I've never been one to 'collect' sea shells - at least not until yesterday.  I took the daughter of a friend of mine to the beach.  As we walked along the shore, waves chasing us up and down the coast, she began to notice a variety of intesting shells, full of character; full of stories yet to be told.  She began to show me with a smile, one after another.  Every so often, she would place one delicately in my hand and say, "Here, Ms. H - you can have this one." 

After a few moments, I found myself searching for interesting shells; sand-filled treasures, and came across a set of shells like the one pictured below.  I said to my young explorer, "Look, a butterfly."  She peered into

my hand, eyes smiling.  "Here, Maria, this one is for you." She turned it over and over in her hand.  She glanced at me, and I knew our mission was set: a search for "butterflies."  It took us a few minutes, but we found another, and another, and another. 

During our search, I learned a very valuable lesson.  My criteria for looking for butterflies were the lack of flaws; practically perfect in every way and brilliant in color.  Maria's criteria was much different.  In fact, I don't think she had any.  She was just so excited to find them, to discover each treasure.  One in particular she handed to me was a beautiful shade of lavendar on the top side, and a deep, royal purple on the underside.  However, the lower, right-hand portion of the "wing" was broken.  I contemplated tossing it aside, but she saw such beauty...so, I held it. 

She didn't see imperfection, she only saw the beauty.  Oh, that I could hold fast to that lesson - one learned from a 10 year old little girl and butterflies on the beach.

Psalm 19

I'm pretty sure that there isn't a moment that goes by when I don't do something that dishonors God, even when I fail to realize it.  So I often times say a blanket "Please forgive me" wondering if that really cuts it.  Well, guess what?!? I think it does!  David did it too! "How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?Cleanse me from these hidden faults."  I don't feel so bad now.  :)

The last 2 verses are the cry of my heart.  "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Oh Lord, My Rock and my Redeemer."  I want the people in my sphere of influence to know that I care; that my words are genuine and are filled with grace.  Even when they come with correction, I pray they are never abusive, but always encouraging. 

I had about a 30 minute skype call with my young, "Psalmphonic" friend last night.  Her heart was so heavy and trouble by many things.  I found myself struggling to find words of encouragement and comfort.  So instead, there was a moment of silence.  She didn't say anything, and I let go of the need to speak - it was just 2 friends, in the same room, sharing emotions.  It...was...profound.  Many times, people are afraid of the silent moments because they feel akward.  Sometimes, though, silence is all that is needed. 
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My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like You!  All of my days, I want to praise the wonders of your mighty love.  My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength.  Let every breath, all that I am  - never cease to worship you...

Thank you for an amazing day.  Thank you that my body is on the mend.  Please continue to set things right.  Lord, thank you so much for my friend.  She is so special to me.  Her heart is so troubled right now - please bring her comfort, and understanding.  She is doing her best to seek you in your word - please meet her where she is.  Give her guidance and assurance that you're with her. 

I love you, Lord.  May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my Rock and my Redeemer.  AMEN

Days 16-17

Last night I felt a little like death warmed over.  This cold has zapped me of almost all my energy.  So I came home last night from teaching, barely ate, and went to bed.  As I was laying there under layers of clothes and blankets - I remembered that I still needed to read my psalm.  So I asked my brother to bring me my iPod, and I got to use my newly downloaded NLT version of the bible.  Psalm 16 was awesome; my favorite verse was 1: "Keep me safe, Oh God, for I have come to you for refuge..."  Even in my sickess - I could feel God wrap his arms around me.

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Over the last couple of days, I have felt attacked.  People are generally resistant to change, but adapt after a short time.  However, there are some who are dead set against trying anything new, or even giving a fair chance to the new kid on the block (that would be me).  To be judged on things that I have little control over, without even trying to learn about me, or God forbid, try to help me - breaks my heart.  However, I am very thankful that this category of people are small...very small.  I am so grateful for those who are not judgmental; who have welcomed me with an open mind and an open heart - and for some, even open arms.

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Keep me safe, Oh God, for I have come to you for refuge...Lord, Please heal my body, take away the pain, put things back the way they should be.  Teach me how to keep things working properly.  Lord, thank you for those who support me.  I love you! AMEN

Day 14

I just finished reading my 14th Psalm in a row.  Tonight, it felt a little like I was 'just going through the motions',  because nothing really 'spoke' to me tonight.  I'm sincerely hoping that it's just the sickness talking.  On the other hand, I think there will be times when nothing is spoken directly to my heart, and while I hope one day that might change - i think for right now...that's ok.  For me, at this stage - it's just important that I keep reading and work hard on not getting behind.  I know myself, if I let one day go by...then another will go - the next thing I know...it's been a week since I've read.  Then I feel so guilty for not ready, that I can't bring myself to open up the bible and pick up where I left off.  2 and a half years later...  well, lets just say that my young, Psalmphonic Journey friend has helped me get back into the word, and onto the right path. 

I think with each passing day, the flashlight I started with gets more powerful, and the area of light it casts gets bigger and bigger.  I will continue to sojourn onward...taking small strides in my walk of faith. 

~To my young friend - I love you.  Thank you for nudging me forward, and allowing me to be apart of your life.  It is truly a great joy that I take.
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Lord,
"You are so good to me, You heal my broken heart, you are my Father in Heaven."  I am finding that You are filling my thoughts more and more.  It's been a long while since that's happened.  It made me smile when I was with a group of new friends today, and a worship song game on, and they all started singing!  How wonderful it was to be in the company of family. 

Please continue to take over my heart.  Less of me; more of you!  "All of you, is more than enough for all of me, for everything thirst and every need.  You satisfy me with your love..."  Thank you for this day; for each blessing and each challege.  I love you! AMEN

Psalm 13

I almost forgot to read tonight.  I was getting ready to curl up under 3 blankets with an over stuffed teddy bear, trying desparately to break a fever, when I re-read a card I received in the mail today from a wonderful, young friend.  She and I are reading through the book of Psalm - one each day.  The line in her card said this "Psalms is going to be auhmazing." 

Psalms has been amazing.  for 13 consecutive days, I've been in the word of God.  Tonight's Psalm is one of my favorites for 2 reasons.  First - David's raw emotion and heartfelt cry to God is beautiful.  Sometimes I feel like this - like God is so far away, or that God has just left me to fend for myself. 

The 2nd reason is the last 2 verses, and all because of the first word..."but"...  Basically David is saying, "even though You feel distant, Lord.  Even though it seems like You've forgotten me. Regardless of my feelings...I trust, I will rejoice, I will sing..."  HOW AMAZING!!!!
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Thank you for today, even though I'm sick.  Thank you for the awesome lunch I had with a new and wonderful friend!!!  Thank you for the card I got in the mail today.  Please, Lord, heal my bod tonight, so i can teach tomorrow morning.  Keep all my students safe and healthy.  I love you!  I TRUST, I WILL REJOICE, I WILL SING!!!! Amen

Psalm 12

Today was incredible!  Unfortunately, I'm feelin a little...blah!  I almost forgot to read my psalm, and then when I remembered...I didn't really want to.  My Nyquil is kickin in - and my eyes need to be pried open with toothpicks! 

But once I read this...Man this hit me like a ton of bricks!  This psalm, even from thousands of years ago, so accurately describes the world today.  Don't believe me...just watch the news or read the paper.  Take half an hour and watch people in the mall - it's straight on!  It makes me sad to thinking about, and even more so because I do it too! 
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Lord,
Help me to deeply care about those whose path I cross.  Help me to not be deceitful, or spiteful.  Lord, Thank you for such a great day today.  I hope that You'll shine brightly in all that I do.  I love you!  You are my Shepherd, I will want for nothing! AMEN

Psalm 10

Hoo-wee!  David doens't exactly beat around the bush, now does he?!?  There is no doubt how he'd feelin toward people who don't want anything to do with God.  Sometimes...I think David is a little TOO harsh for my tastes - but that usually because my heart says David's talking about me.  I'm learning to love God more and more each day, but sometimes - if truth be told - I really think like this: “God isn’t watching us!
      He has closed his eyes and won’t even see what we do!” or "God will never call us to account.”
I sure am glad that His mercies and compassions are new for me each and every day.  Without that assurance, I'd be in heap big trouble. 
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Lord,
Thank you for being so good to me.  I don't deserve it, at all!  You've allowed me to 'work' in an amazing town, doing what I love - with people who are awesome!!  Who could ask for more than that?  Please help me to be and do my best each day - for not only myself, but also for my students and friends. 

Somtimes it's hard for me to not feel forgotten by those friends that I moved away from...especially when we don't talk as much as we used to.  But I have to trust that if You intend for me to keep  the friendship - You'll make a way.  In the meantime, Father - ease the ache in my heart,because right now - I'm missing a lot of people.  On the other hand - You are blessing me with other wonderful friends.  Help me to be a good friend, mentor, and teach to them.  Help me to be 'friendable."

Thank you again for allowing me to be right here, right now, with those who are here.  I love you, Lord - and I lift my voice to worship you, oh my soul rejoice!!" AMEN

...Psalm 9...

Lord - my heart aches tonight for many reasons; all of which you know!  Please help me to keep you at the forefront of my day, to not get discouraged by things that are outside of my control.  Give me the strength and courage to make good decisions, and the wisdom to know what those good and right decisions are. 

I read through Psalm 9, Father - these were the only verses my heart could grasp: "I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. ² I will be filled with joy because of you.
      I will sing praises to your name, O Most High."

You've been so good to me when I least deserved it.  "I will praise you, Lord my God - even in my brokenness, I will praise you Lord."

AMEN

Psalm 8

I was just talking with a great friend of mine about some of the struggles she and I have in common.  Something she said to me made me giggle, but was so true: "We are too small to screw up God's plans."  I can't tell you how much better I felt after that.  Then I read Psalm 8:3-4: "When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—the moon and the stars you set in place—what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them?" 

In comparison to the universe, we are so small...but to God - we are so important and loved.  HOW AMAZING!!!  He gives us charge over all the earth, to tend and care for.  I'm just not sure why He would trust me to care for anything.

This Psalm is one of praise: "Oh Lord, oh Lord - Your majestic name fills the earth."  It kind of reminds me of the end of The Neverending Story when Sebastian screams into the night the empress' new name.  The qualities of the Lord, both visible and invisible, are seen in nature - His name fills the earth.    That's powerful. 
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Lord,
It was so good to be in Your house today!  We sang songs for you - did you like them?  Thank you for Jamie and the friendship we have.  She has been such an incredible blessing.  Thank you for her encouragement and reassurance.

I love this Psalm.  I can just see a young shepherd sitting on a rock, gazing into the night sky - singing this song of praise to you. How beautiful that must have been?!  How I long to worship you like that - with complete abandon.  I can remember a young girl, sitting on a cement bench on a cold winter's night, gazing up into the heavens - pouring out her heart in a journal; softly singing worship songs to you.  Sometimes I long to be that young girl again, but at the same time...I've learned so much over the years. 

Lord...I LOVE you - and I lift my voice to worship you, oh my soul rejoice...Thank you for this time.  In Jesus name - AMEN

Psalm 7

I love David, er, King David that is!  He went from a shepherd boy (youngest son and least loved of his father), to annointed King of Israel. However, he had to wait many years before he actually took the throne.  He was on the run for his life from King Saul (who was a little touched in the head).  God knew David's life history before any of it happened.  He know that while David was king, he would commit adultery, lie and murder - and still God called him a man after His own heart, and annointed him to be king.  WHAT!?!  That blow's my miund!!  God saw something in David; something special. 

Psalms, to me, are honest conversations with an Almighty God - that we get to evesdrop on.  The same is true for psalm 7.  David is basically saying "Daddy, these guys are pickin' on me...get'em!"  I believe with all my heart that God takes joy in our honesty.  Whether it be angry, worship, sadness, grief, love, honor...whatever - David wasn't afraid to express it. 

But I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the very last line of the psalm.  Regardless of the outcome of anything in the previous 16 verse, the last one says it all: "I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High." Whew!  David doesn't say "If God comes through for me, then I will..."  He says confidently and plainly: I will...
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Almighty God,
Thank you for the life of King David - who I have found to be very much like me.  I want to be remembered not as a great teacher, student, friend, wife or mother, but as a woman after Your own heart.  I long for there to be a quiet grace within me that allows me to be a conduit for Your love. 

For so long, I didn't even know how to rebuild my relationship with you.  A friend said that I should just read Your word.  But even that seemed too confusing because I didn't know where, when or how to start.  Now, I understand that anywhere in Your word is sufficient if done with an open and willing heart.  Over the last few days, I can feel my heart bending toward you; longing to be with You, sing for You...worship you!  It's been so long since I've felt or even desired that!  It's not about religious duty...it's about the relationship.  Just like building friendships; the more time you spend with them, the better you get to know them - the same is true for you!  I've been a horrible friend...and I'm deeply sorry.  I have done to you what I feared would be done to me...I'd forgotten you. 

"I want to know You.  I want to hear Your voice.  I want to know you more!"  Thank you for this time.  Thank you for those you are placing in my care.  Give me the courage and knowledge to teach them confidence, and to lead them with humility.  Only you can teach me that.  I love you!  In Jesus' Name - AMEN!

A New Year to LIVE

It never fails, on New Year's Eve - I hear and see people talking about needing to make drastic changes; resolving to ________ (fill in the blank).  I even find myself getting caught up in the "it's a new year, it's time for a new me" throng.  But, by the time February comes (often faster than I'd wanted), my unwaivering resolve has disolved. 

Instead of making lofty 'resolutions' - I just want to...LIVE!  When I asked a general question about goals for 2011, a friend of mine said she wanted "to enjoy every second of it."  Me too!  I have the greatest opportunity to finally do something that I truly enjoy every day, and I really want to enjoy it. 

I've spent many years allowing people and circumstance to steal parts of my life, and often times draining my energy and emotions.  I spent even more years allowing myself to steal parts of my life; being my own worst enemy and critic. 

NO MORE!  I don't want to merely exist, I want to live.  I want to build solid relationships, to show grace, to teach and to learn, to love and be loved, to be confident but humble, to serve...to be different and out of the ordinary.  I want to LIVE!

If the mercies of the Lord are new for me each morning, why shouldn't I extend the same to myself?  If the Lord can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself?  If, knowing all that there is to know about me, the Lord can still love me and call me His beloved, why can't I learn to love me too?  The answer: I CAN and I WILL! 

Here's to a New Year to LIVE!!!

Psalm 6

Well, it's here: the beginning of a brand new year.  2010 was an interesting but good year overall.  I am hopeful; however, that 2011 will be even better.  I'm beginning my dream career, in a town that I am learning to really like.  I've met some really good people, and have made a few really great friends.  Do I still miss my Tallahassee friends and family?  Of course!  I think of them every day!  But change is good, and right now - change is a big part of my reality. 

In my own journey of travelling through a psalm each day, one thing I like about all 150 of them, and especially in Psalm 6 is that David is R-E-A-L!!  Whatever he was feeling, he talked about it with God.  From being thankful to being spiteful to being completely broken...David expressed it all. 

Sometimes I forget that God wants to be apart of every aspect of our lives, from the largest to the smallest. 
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Amazing Father -
Thank you for the year that has past, and thank you for a new one ready to begin.  Please help  me to walk in a way that pleases you.  Help me to come to you with each part of my life, not just the parts that i think are 'clean' enough or 'big' enough for the Almighty.  You want all of me, no matter what!  Thank you for these last 6 days.  Reading your word has struck a spark again, and I find myself wanting to come home to read with you.  I do love you, Lord - Please accept this 'flashlight' as worship to you!  AMEN